A Shitty Lame Part of Life

Yo peeps! Yup, it has been quite a while (more than a month?) since my last post. So, anyway, this post shall reassure my few readers (or should I use “reader”) that this blog is not dead and still active. Definitely not kicking any asses, but yeah, it is still alive and breathing.



A shitty memory. That was the original title for this post but I didn’t use it because I like “A Shitty Lame Part of Life” more. Hell yeah…

There are many stories that I can write right now but I think this moment is a good time to tell you all about a shitty lame part of my life. So here it goes…

I live in this hostel named Cendana. It is not that bad but it certainly has its flaws. What I like about this hostel is the water filters situated strategically beneath my room. And those who want cool water, will simply go to those water filters and transfer thirst quenching cool water in bottles and drink them.

***

Monday Morning

I put those asterisks up there because this paragraph won’t be having the flow like a real composition should have. Anyways, on a Monday morning I felt something funny in my tummy. I tried to ignore it and convince me that that funniness is just the diuretic effect of my extra strong coffee I had with breakfast (Kapal Api… Betul-betul kaw…). It was during the five minute break in my chemistry lecture that I went to the toilet, crapped and knew that there was indeed something wrong with my digestive or whatever-that-medic-students-would-call-it system. You see, usually when I crap, it’s pleasurable. But no… not that time. It was a wrench of pain down the ass. And an annoying headache sequenced that ass-pain. And the air conditioner was at full throttle so the room was freezing up my bones despite the fact that I wear two layers of shirts. And the first layer was a Black Metal shirt (Carpathian Forest) so by theory; hell should be burning me and provide me with the necessary warmth that I so bloody needed that time. But hehehe, I guess workers’ of hell were busy burning someone else I guess. =P. (Ok, I guess this part is a bit of a strong necessity. I wore the black metal t-shirt because it was black, so therefore it should be absorb heat better. That was my real theory, the hell/satanic theory was just another lame joke of mine.) I don’t remember eating anything during the afternoon break. My body was feeling too shitty for me to gobble anything up my throat and swallow it. During the first two hours of my German class, we had a debate. The motion of the debate was:

Should one get married or should one stay unmarried.





But of course, it was in German and it was cool and shit funny. With our broken German language, and the constant need of us to ask the lecture of the meaning of few words we had a freaking hilarious debate. A buddy of mine; S. made a crazy ass funny point, he said that one can do other activities to substitute sex like masturbation. Ok, it might not sound funny here but if you were having a debate, in a small class (15 students), and everyone is pretty much goofing around and a funny ass guy said something about masturbation; you would understand the quality of the joke. After the debate, we had to watch a movie, The Da Vinci Code in German of course.



I was pretty looking forward to watch that movie. The lecturer turned off the freezer (air-conditioner) and I thanked him. I don’t think he heard my “thank you” though. But the warmth wasn’t so comfortable after 45 minutes. Hell finally broke lose. I was sweating like a pig and the headache that I’ve been having earlier that time kind of like amplified. I tried to stay awake and wonderfully did manage to stay awake. Hell yeah...

1 hour and many minutes later, the movie ended. Finally. I’ve packed my stuff as quickly as possible because all I wanted that time is to lie down and sleep my pain away. The bus was awesomely quick that day so I hopped in the bus, and hopped out the bus at Cendana and went into my bed and sleep my ass off.

While I was sleeping, I think some of my room mates tried to wake me up. I think, one of them wanted to borrow my laptop or speakers or something like that. Ok, I was dead a sleep. The things that I do are not of my control. It’s the mind without its pilot. I think I might have said something like “Ma cibai douh engkau” or “fuck arrh… aku nak tidor la anak haram” or “fuck….. what the fuck you want, I’m sleeping you son of a bitch”. If I did… No I’m not going to apologize. Instead, I would like to point out that I’m a bigger asshole while sleeping. Clear? Huahahahhaha…

During that night, the ass-pain strikes. It was raining and was such a nice day for one to do some reading or revisions but shit, I just have to be fucking sick and forced to sleep my ass off. The ass-pain was a real bitch that night. I had to go to the toilet for like five times and crap painfully. That sucks. Seriously.



Tuesday’s Thunderous Shit Rain (It wasn’t actually raining)

I woke up late. Around 8 something. But I was lucky because the first two classes on that morning were cancelled. Happy? I’m not really sure because the headache that I had on the day before was still bitching in my head. It was like one of those annoying immortal flies that metaphorically scratches its butt on top of your food. Really, really freaking annoying. And the stomachache was as strong as Strong Guy (he’s one of the character in my Mugen game).



I ate some bread and drank some water. Then, I ate two panadols. Guess what happened 5 minutes later?



Yes… Exactly. I crapped the two panadols out my asshole. Shit!!! What the fuck?!?!?! And I wanted to take a picture of it but my untimingly (don’t think this is a word) spontaneous reactions flushed the shit (it was more like water actually *hahahhaha….go puke yourself*) coated panadols away. Damn… But the pain sort of went away a little so I decided to go to school. Hoping it won’t be so bad.

School was normal as usual except for the fact that I have to go out during the lectures to crap, quite a few times. And here’s the sweet part, after the last lecture, I went to the toilet and told my friends to not wait up and wait up they didn’t. But one of them did something really nice; packed my stuffs up. Damn, that was a real cool act indeed, few people would actually do that. So I took my bag and walk towards the bus. And shit, the bus just left; meaning I have to wait for 45 minutes for the next bus to arrive. Shit. But what the hell, I have my mp3 player with me and it wasn’t raining. So it wasn’t that bad plus I have a book to read.


Theogonia by Rotting Christ

+


A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby

Because of the scorching heat which was burning my head, the headache strikes again and this time it was a real shit full of a bitch. Bastardly humongous. I think heat can become some equalizer for the headache and when the right amount of heat is reached, the headache would ‘sound’ perfect. Due to this pain, I text my buddy so that he would help me to take a medical slip so that I can meet the doctor on that evening.

The bus came, I hopped in the bus and continue reading my book. 20 minutes later the bus driver told us, the people in the bus that we had to switch bus. Ok, my body was weak as a cabbage that time. I forced myself out and carried my bag to the other bus. And that was when a big bastard of a bad luck hit my head. When I was about to doze off, actually my eyes were already shut, I realized that my handphone was missing. Son of a bitch. Shit. I looked at the window and saw the bus that I was on a few minutes ago was going away. And the bus that I was currently on was also moving already. Tried to stand up but the furious motion of the bus was pushing me back and the energy in me was too little for me to take the urge to rescue my handphone. Fine, it was not a kick ass handphone but I loved that handphone. It was functional and it did what I want it to do; telephone people. And then I close my eyes and hope that this father fucker of a moment was just one of those seem-to-be-so-real dreams.

Then an unknown guy from the Australian bounded program woke me up and crap, my handphone was really missing. I went to the office to get a medical slip, but unlucky me, it was closed. Then I went to my friend’s room whom I text earlier only to see him sleeping. Crap. Arrrgh…. Sleep the pain away. That was the thing that I did. Wanted to do, actually. Ok, I tried to sleep. But every 40 minutes or so, I had to go to the toilet and pee through the ass. And it hurts like a rat biting my ass. Ok, a rat never actually bit my ass before, but I’m sure the pain would have been similar. And I think I again have said some pretty bad stuffs to the people who wanted to borrow things from me or wanted to go eat with me. Dudes… sorry eh… Not really my fault though. But huahahhaa, I think you guys deserve it because I was in deep shit of pain. Huahahhaha.

Wednesday: The Almost Quite Happy End.

I went to the toilet in the morning. Once. After that, I only feel ache in my tummy. I decided not to go to the first two classes because I seriously have no energy at all. The food that I eat goes through me just like that. The body didn’t really have the chance to absorb the energy, hence I felt fucking weak. When the clock strikes 9 I went to the office, took a medical slip and straight away went to the clinic; Klinik Abdul Malik.

I think too many students lied to Dr Abdul Malik because he was REALLY optimistic when I told him “Dr, I think I have diarrhea”. The conversation went something like this:

Dr Abdul Malik : So, what’s the problem….err… Amir?
Amir : I think I have diarrhea.
Dr Abdul Malik : You think you have diarrhea or have diarrhea?!! (raising voice)
Amir : (shit, chill dude…) Ok ok, last night I went to the toilet countless times and the excrement was watery.
Dr Abdul Malik : That’s diarrhea alright. Now I need to lie down on the bed. (I think he didn’t want me to describe my shit further)

30 minutes later, I got my medicine and my MC for HALF A DAY. So I still had to go class. And that was when I told my parents about my missing handphone and lucky for me, the parents weren’t so pissed. They were more like “Dude, arrrhhh…ok…go back to class you little rascal” than like “SHIT on you, you brat! That mobile phone costed 300 bux jackass!”. Lucky me =).

Ok at that point, I still lack of energy because I haven’t been eating anything. I got an SMS from a dear friend of mine. Wow… Seriously… I felt like crying after reading that SMS (nah...=P).





I went to the 10 am class but reached class around 10:20am. The lecturer was an understanding dude. Lucky me again. I guess within all this physical pain, I was pretty lucky here and there. During the afternoon break, I was finally able to eat because I have eaten a pill that sort of act like a cork up my ass. It shuts the hole so that the food won’t just simply vomit out. Yay…! And I felt so super rejuvenated after having my lunch. You know, usually when you eat, the only thing that goes away is the hunger. But this time, not only the hunger went away, the weakness and the headache, they all went away. Awesomeness at its almost perfection. Great =).

And then, that evening I finally get to eat properly. I ate Bubur Ayam McD for dinner and that was pretty much the end of my ass-pain duration. Yeay. Damn, I was so happy.

The Aftermath

The next morning I didn’t crap. In the afternoon I didn’t crap too. In the evening my friends invited me to go to KFC since they had this kick-ass coupon. And guess what happen after eating those hot & spicy KFC chickens? I DID NOT CRAP. And I didn’t crap for the rest of the day.

The next day was a bit different. After class, I still didn’t crap and it turns out I didn’t crap for two days in a row. Now that’s a bit worrying. But meh… At least it wasn’t painful.

The next day, a Saturday; finally. After having my lunch at the Indonesian stall, I finally felt like crapping and went to the toilet and my heart was thumping while this question was wandering in my head:

“Will I crap comfortably???”

And crap I did. And let me tell you, it was indeed one of the most fulfilling crap session I ever had in my life. Hell yeah!

The Little Things After That

Now, as this writing goes, it is about weeks after the shitty ass-pain. Life goes on as usual, and since I’m in Penang right now, the parents were kind enough to buy me a new phone. Woohoo! They rock..

And on a different news, the Barisan Nasional dude won the elections at Ijok. Ok, I wont let this post become political so I shall conclude right now.

Life can be shitty and be pissy and sometimes it can even be pissy in the ass, but if you are positive enough; the shit and the piss will be wiped away… Then, you’ll be happy again. Well, not that happy but you will be able to smile. Don’t worry, shit happens, that's normal =).